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Attack Attack!: Stick stickly

28/01/13 || sincan

What the fuck? A fucken video review at the world’s coolest and best music site? This must be something really special and hopefully really good too!

Special, yes.
Good, not.

Well lets take this shit from the start. I guess some of the kids knows this abomination since they seem to like this blasphemy which usually can be classified as something cool + core. Maybe some of you more decent people know this band as well, but more for the lulz hopefully. I lived in a dream were something this shitty was not yet created. Boy I was wrong, until someone, let’s say a hot chick to speak the truth, enlightened me. We went by train when she suddenly asked if I had heard some crabcore music. Of course I was all like, what the fuck are you talking about?

I wish I never asked that question and played Mr know it all by answering yes instead. Then I should have started to talk about something else, like the weather, yes about the snow and how tired I was since it was so fucking cold all the time.

She reached for her iPhone, damn technology, and showed me the video which for some reason is on Youtube. First I was like “shit this is actually the inverted role model for how I want musicians to look like”. Worth mentioning is that the sound was turned real low not to disturb any other travelers with this piece of ear pollution, and I guess that was good since we also avoided the angry mob which would be raging otherwise.

During the first time the clean vocals showed up I noticed that something was strange, it somehow felt like someone was reverting an inverted cross, in my ear canal. But yet I wasn’t sure if the low volume was playing me a trick or two so I waited. But then when the clean vocals showed up again, I was definitely sure.

“What the fuck, are they using Auto-tune?”

There are some hidden rules out there when it comes to making metal and rock. One obvious is that Auto-tune and metal music does not compute (like the calculator would say) with each other, in fact Auto-tune doesn’t fit with anything except making funny Youtube clips by changing the voices of news anchors.

Well, somewhere here we just dropped it while I was laying on the floor in the typical fetal position and praising for the pain to go away. Somehow my brain actually made me forget this little horror story until the same chick sent me the link to the video and wrote that I should listen and feel awesome.

So I started to look and listen at the video with proper speakers and shit, this was even worse than I ever imagined. So lets start from the beginning, I’m just gonna take a look at the video and write whatever shit I find fitting. But I mast warn you, there are not always words that can describe the horrors I’m going to confront here.

Okay, the first six seconds is not that bad. There’s just a blond random chick sitting somewhere in middle of nowhere. But then it happens, they start to play, and the band is in focus now. It’s breakdown/repeat and way too much emo hair and to be fair, everyone look exactly the same, except for different body sizes. The imagination in this genre is outstanding, but of course, its easy to buy clothes. I don’t even bother to mention how they stand and head-bang at the same time, now I’m lacking some useful words.

0.36 seconds into the clip one of the worst blasphemies ever imagined takes place. Mr “black emo hair, v neck t-shirt and jeans “ number 3 sings with the painful passion only a guy who never got Pokemon silver during Christmas can, this while using Auto-tune. I rather listen to the sound caused by pushing my own feces into my ears than this. Then during 0.45 his tongue is everywhere, yes this is a small detail, but really, what is he doing. I’m not even discussing the synced guitar, jump, fun and lemonade thing they do after the first Auto-tune piece of swag metal.

1.18 “Hey look how funny my balls swing when I do like this.”

1.37 “Yes, but look at me, hello guys, really, look at me! I can run on the same spot and sing at the same time!”

This shit continues, children are crying, the sun is not shining, toilet papers runs out on every single toilet while people are shitting, yeah you get the idea. Oh, and please pause the video at 2.30, do it. I really see the wrath there, fantastic, I recall the “Where the wild things are”-movie now.

Well you might already think that this can’t get any worse and yes I was thinking the same. Believe me when I say it can… The Dance eJay disco in the end achieves something next level in terms of worst shit ever, and just look at how they dance to it as well. This is where I’m prolapsing so much that my brain starts to pop out from my anus. In other words, fucking unimaginably bad. They got 1 point since it is actually a fucking achievement to create something like this.

Look at this video if you want to, GD is not responsible for the physical and psychical harm that you will suffer from it.

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